Stepping out in the Stormy


There is a tunnel inside my heart
Without a lover with a clock;
I cast upon it
the glue of sedimentation
Here, nothing is unsettled
Here, words are perfume from
Clanking wooden doorways
Magnetic with presence of
a vast entity from beyond.

He lays upon my skin,
Tendrils sharp,
Laborious with love
Of a self disclosed
Of the Vast
To the miniscule.

There is a tunnel inside my heart
With a lover without a clock;
There, all divisions take a truce
There, I am your reader
And you are my poet.


Ghost Of A Wind-Chime

I have a curious hobby to sit outside my house, no matter how much cold or sunny, the day is. I believe this is how our emotional systems work in strange fashions. Some of which includes, dreaming about long-forgotten times. Bringing the inside depth at the tip of gentle lashes, carefully not to make them shiver and yet they do shiver, when they realize you had literally been talking to long-gone past and friendship of your life in dreams. Real dreams. –

“Though you are long gone. To the places you always wanted to go. But sometimes I dream about you. It is helpless.”

No matter how much I romanticize the things, the rationality saves the day. These memories are but linked with the idea of summer. Childhood comes along with summer. Holi (Indian festival of colors) So does Freedom. Lilies. Roses. Sunlight peeping out of emerald leafs, sudden rainfall, Mud and water mingling down the earth, creating a strange sensation in my throat as if the atmosphere is absorbing me and somehow, I want to drink the thing from which that heavenly smell is born. Olfactory I tell you, connecting with my sense of emotions.

Last night, my winter clothes were being shoved around in the house until I realized, I left their mighty carrier in the balcony, the good old chair, facing the colony garden, quite without a company, except some bats which must have flung around it, in my absence. And as I ran to rescue me rather than it, in order to avoid good dose of scolding from anyone, I suddenly felt emotions for this inanimate object sitting in the balcony.

It looked very calm and serene to me, reminding me of a protagonist of the book, that I have been reading the very same afternoon. Catherine Earnshaw of Wuthering Heights, the day she was to die.

Here is my balcony at night:

2014-02-14 20.39.17          2014-02-14 20.39.55       2014-02-14 20.41.23

The night was wonders in itself. I sat upon the ‘inanimate’ chair and imagined all sorts of things. I mused about poets who fell in love with the stars, for they were such wonderful things. I fancied the idea how these are not just little dots in the sky, no diamonds. Planets with chunks of diamonds, maybe. Or Suns, maybe. Or Dimensions beyond human imagination, yes, almost perfect. And to nurture an idea of loving these dimensions, the first of summer breezes that occupy the night, conveyed very well. For you see, the thing with the wind is that, when you create a sparkling idea inside yourself and there is no one to hear you, just no one, the wind nods in appreciation.

It says, it knows you well.

So, while the wind appreciated me, I heard that familiar wind chime. It was not my property, I was sure. It was real or not, I was not sure. But nonetheless, it transported to me the times that my memory usually account for a big blur. But I managed to tame some of its wild birds, anyways for the wind had certain hypnotizing quality to it.

I saw ourselves, in her T.V. room. It is still blurry, we were really small, I guess, eight or so. I can recall her messy black hair and her never-dying competitive spirits. I recalled how we used to fight a lot and on all sorts of queer things such as who got the best chocolate flavor for milk, Copy rights on the favorite star which two people, supposedly, cannot share at the same time, same with favorite colors and other weird things that make no sense at all. But unfortunately for her, it always ended as me being the good girl in her parent’s eyes and she being the badass villain. This miffed her a lot and yet we were the best of  the friends, so best that I have sudden memory-attacks of her, even after ten years of our parting.

For good, I recall one memory quite perfectly and it is suddenly strange at the same time, that how clear, the memory has become.Here-

I always admired the design of her bedroom which remains same, till today, after so many years, however, I have no longer access to it anymore. The bed was adjoined with a marble slab where one could sit and peer at the garden from a large window. And hey! I see it. The wind-chime! It hangs over our heads reminding me of flutes. It has these silver bars in it with a tiny hole inside each of them. It had beautiful blue strings and yet it is one of those wind chimes which is meant more for music and less for beauty. And I feel I could hear it, even when I am near my own window.

Its distinct music was thus, forever imprinted on my mind as the horn of my school cab which carried me regularly for 15 years. The vanwallebhaiya (the cab-driver) had this distinct skill to make patterns of sounds out of a cheap horn that I could hear and follow from miles away in the act of recognizing its owner.

And suddenly Poof! I have no longer access to it.                                                                                                                                                                         I remember photographing the van in a mad-spirit when I found out once that it was parked nearby.

Oh, It all overcomes now. As I roam around with the ghosts of past, these two become the most real of the unreal.

Moving on to the memory, It was a bright Sunday and our parents were busy chatting with themselves when I sneaked to her place and asked her for a sudden help in my anxious spirit. I remember telling her that though my father just received 1000 rupees from someone, I am still willing to ask her help. She looked at me curiously and told me that 1000 rupees is not much money.

“It is not?” I was perplexed.

“No!” she laughed at me and waved her hands dismissively, while I narrated to her the problem with which I was I going through. I remember how anxious I was when I told her “I need to win a friend”. It is like becoming the prime-minister of the country, I told her. And to my surprise, she reciprocated my seriousness and agreed to help, very adventurously. Now I can write a separate blog about this classmate of mine, who I wanted to be friends with. I had the “privilege” of knowing her till I was fourteen. And even in these fourteen years, we never came any close to be ever, termed as “friends”.Ever.

She is currently on my facebook friendlist though. No, I guess she deleted me. Better that way.

Anyways, my friend and I loved making cards. Be it birthdays, friendship day, Parent’s birthdays or friendship requests, as in this case, we just loved making cards. I remember we sat the whole afternoon on that marble slab decorating that one card while she lent me her best glitter pens. This was the moment. For me, it was the best deed that one could do for me, ever Ever and ever. She lent me her glitter pens!! Boy, wasn’t I amazed and happy? She dictated me some good lines which I cannot really recall but since I have these old cards that I made for my mother, I can imagine what would they be like.

“Sky is blue, I want to be friends with you”

“You are the best person in my class'”

“Please be my friend :)” -(This one is accurate)

“Keep smiling. May god bless you”

And lots and lots of glitter pen stars. Besides, she helped me design an envelope! Oh what a goodie it was then! I was so impressed and convinced for the first time. I believed, there can be no power in the world that would make the classmate of mine, miss popular at 7 , refuse me. But if you have seen Mean girls, you would have realized popularity only comes with heartlessness. Well, I realized it quite before when I saw my beloved envelope in the mini green dustbin of our KG classroom (Look! I even remember the color), the very same day I gave her the card. Oh It fell upon me like thunder. I still remember the sinking feeling inside my chest for I dared not to pick it up, fearing that I would further deplete my image and would break into tears afterwards. But still, after what had happened I kept a strong front. Never did I told this to a single soul, until now. And as I am having these flashbacks, I feel I am that small girl again, I feel her agony too. After all you have to be devil to refuse and discard a card penned with glitter-pens, precious reminders of decade old friendships when you are freakin 7!. But I must tell you, this devil’s future wasn’t all goodie-goodie. We heard a lot of weird rumors about her in the school. Even though she used to top in exams (in case you were wondering how she got popular at 7) but then began the epic, Sophocles style downfall (I am sorry if I sound dramatic for I am in satisfaction with Karma-kinda-revenge).

Supposedly, she blackmailed her parents a lot, by scaring them off with suicidal intentions for almost everything. One of my friend claims, even for fake lashes and colored lenses. Well she did wear them, but I don’t know the complete story. The other rumors, however were a lot degrading. Now, I don’t know about other countries, but sleeping with boys in school isn’t normal here at all. This one, I have sources to confirm.

Anyways, I’ll let her alone for now. And would like to thank my friend, whom I never confessed that the devil threw my letter/card down the bin. I wish I could have come running down to you so that you could have convinced me and have told me, I am a stupid child but I guess it is too late to ask for such a wish now.

For the friend, I muse in stars, (we used to imagine we own stars in Orion) is long parted and is like any other stranger who walks the earth.

Dawn Diaries

Morning is a pleasant surprise from the cold infiltration of winters that seems to last, almost forever. But today, here in New Delhi, I realized something lie behind the dictatorship of winters.

I admit that I am a night person, from not-sleeping-all-night to my fascination towards everything related to the darkness, moon, those creatures that you cannot really detect at night and the contours of twisted branches of those hundred year old trees. I hate waking up early. However, today I realized this is not the case. Definitely not.

I do not know if it is my connection with the nature or perhaps something ells but today while my father, as he do now then, was dropping me to nearest station, I realized, something is different and then, I suddenly started thinking about all those journals where people claimed to have seen nymphs, little pixie like creatures and have then, enthusiastically claimed their presence is less to be seen and more to be felt. Today I felt that exact presence and although their was no sign of…I would say nature at its “elemental form” but when you live in Delhi, the greenery surpasses such qualms too. You can strangely feel this entangled living of human civilization and the dense green cover, at least virtually. *Touchwood* to it.

It is my tradition to close my eyes and to mediate on breathing the air while I am on the morning bike ride, but these beautiful visions could not let me do so. It was ACTUALLY like winter and summer were mating to give me this beautiful offspring-scenario that popped up that classic song in my head by Louise Armstrong…What a wonderful world. It made me the mother of its very notion as I could feel some sort of patriotism for nature, if something like that exists in our world then I became its mother and it became mine.

John Keats might get that. The sunlight along with the cold mist, all the vehicles and glasses were drenched. Even the sign boards were drenched and then you could see the sunlight playing around your being as it is seen to do in Amazon. And here I am falling away from the anxieties of the world, chasing the sun, my father becomes the angel (Funny thought) who is supposed to take me to heaven. But then define heaven.

Heaven is not a gold mine. Not girls dancing around, serving drink. I remember I came across a really brilliant picture book. I believe it has the accurate description of what is heaven. In the picture, we were drops of golden water, sleeping, at peace, forming a pure golden ocean of souls which as the books says ultimately becomes god. The theory that God is incomplete without us as we are without him. I don’t know if we really becomes god, taking too far the proverb of ‘Divided we fall, united we stand’, but the picture in my mind tells me that it can be better perceived as the ultimate presence of god. He keeps us save. He keeps us at peace while we are having these thousand dreams as we remain in our eternal sleep. We are memories. We will become memories.

Now people ask me, what is your motive in life? I say–to achieve this very place. It is difficult to explain and I am not at all suicidal but yes, this very space. But then as we all know we have to work hard to achieve dreams, henceforth, presently, I am working for other ambitions that are worldly. Such as this blog.